Finding your purpose when the old one disappears

Look, I’m 64 and to be brutal — I still have no clue.

People ask me to go back to being a kid and remember what I wanted to be. Well, that doesn’t work for me, because I don’t remember a significant amount of my childhood and I certainly don’t remember dreaming about what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I was younger and my children were young, my purpose was clear. Keep little people alive and help to grow them up into reasonable human beings. Run a business. Everything in between. Even when I was running on empty — which was most of the time — I had direction and meaning.

Then, as they grew up and developed their own lives, that meaning was no longer there.

On top of that, divorce came through twice. Each time I made the decision, I didn’t look back. I’ve never been one for revisiting choices once they’re made. Sheer will and grit kept me moving forward — dealing with life, raising the children, sorting finances, explaining things, and just getting on with it.

Those were hard seasons. But I learned a lot about myself — not that I realised it in the moment, of course. It’s only years later, upon reflection, that I’ve come to understand myself more.

So here we are, and here we have been for some time now. In the land of no real purpose. Not a cool place to be, in my view. Some would say, “Forget it, you’re 64, what does it matter?” Well, it bloody well matters to me, thank you very much.

What the research says

In my reading, I’ve discovered that what I’m experiencing is quite common. Major transitions like empty nest, divorce, and role changes often trigger a dip in sense of purpose. Divorce in particular can shake identity and daily life — and I can tell you from experience there are some that rock you to your very core as a person. But that’s a story for another time perhaps.

Many women report that after the dust settles, there’s space to build something new. And of course, having and finding a sense of purpose later in life is linked to better health and wellbeing.

Knowing the research doesn’t make it any easier when you’re wondering what the hell you’re meant to do now. I still work and enjoy it, but I still feel like my real purpose is out there somewhere, wandering around like a lost sheep.

The slow, messy process

For me, it’s been exactly that — slow and messy. I’ve tried things that flopped. I tell a lie — lots of things, actually. And some things people will never know about, because I built them and couldn’t bring myself to launch them.

I’ve had days where I truly envy people with a clear mission. But I’ve also had small moments where things started to feel meaningful again — writing these reflections, creating She Has Returned, preserving stories that matter. Nothing with trumpets and fanfare. Just things that feel like me. Things I’ve finally had the courage to write.

What I’ve learned so far

From someone still figuring it out:

• Purpose doesn’t always arrive with fireworks. Sometimes it shows up through small experiments and noticing what quietly lights you up.
• It’s okay if your purpose changes — or gets completely blown up by divorce, kids leaving, or life doing what life does.
• Sheer grit can often get you through the hard parts, but curiosity and openness help you find what’s next.
• And yes, it’s normal to feel lost in the middle of it. Lost is where a lot of the good stuff starts.

If you’re in this season — whether divorce, empty nest, or any other big reset has left you asking “What now?” — you’re in good company. Welcome to the club.

I don’t have a neat formula. But I do believe the woman who’s made it through the tough decisions, raised the kids and kept going is still capable of creating an amazing next chapter. Even if it looks very different — and why shouldn’t it?

What about you? Has divorce, empty nest, or another major change shaken up your sense of purpose? Have you found a new spark, or are you still searching? What’s one thing that’s given you even a small sense of direction lately?

I read every reply.