Reinventing yourself when no one needs you in the same way

Look, I thought I was prepared for it. It was some time ago now, but I remember not really being prepared for the moving out phase. The empty nester — sure, I’d heard about it, but I gave it very little thought, until of course it came knocking on my door.

Turns out the nest doesn’t empty in one clean, dignified go. Or it didn’t for me anyway. Sometimes it empties, refills, and empties again like some bloody annoying jack-in-the-box.

I remember the first one moved out and the house was quieter. Not quiet, just quieter. I was still picking up dirty clothes and making meals, but I could actually drink a coffee from beginning to end. Quite an achievement.

Then the next one moved out and decided to take his other sibling with him. Wow. Wasn’t ready for that.

For about five minutes it felt liberating. Then the adjustment hit — who was I when I wasn’t actively directing traffic, cooking for kids, refereeing arguments, picking up from jobs or parties? Just as I was trying to work my way through my emotions and the quiet house, and that intense feeling of “I’m no longer needed by anyone” — what do you think happened? Yes, one of them moved back in. Suitcases at the bottom of the stairs, tears streaming down her face.

So I adjusted. And no doubt so did she.

After living out of home then coming back, it’s no doubt a challenging thing for someone in their early twenties. I adjusted with some difficulty in retrospect. Here was this young person making her own way in life, no longer subject to the same rules that applied as a school student. I couldn’t direct her life anymore. I could offer suggestions, but that was it. I did have some rules though — I really didn’t want to be waiting up till 2am for someone to come home, so this was established early on.

Then another of my adult children came home. So adjusting again. Then over time they finally flew, for good.

Each time I thought I had my feet under me, the ground shifted. Now at 64, I look back and realise that whole period — late forties through the fifties — was the slow, messy beginning of something researchers actually have a name for: empty nest syndrome.

From what I’ve read, it’s not some official clinical disorder, but a real transition many parents go through. Studies show it often involves feelings of loss, sadness, loneliness, and sometimes a dip in purpose — especially for mums who’ve poured a lot into the day-to-day role. Some research (particularly older studies) suggested it hits women harder, but more recent work shows it’s mixed.

A German longitudinal study, for example, found that after controlling for other life factors, the move to an empty nest didn’t always lead to big increases in depression or loneliness. In fact, many parents — both mums and dads — eventually report greater freedom, better marriages, and more time for their own interests. The APA and other reviews point out that while there’s grief, there’s also relief and pride. You’ve done the hard yards raising independent humans. That’s a win.

The trick is navigating the in-between bit where it feels weird and quiet. For me it wasn’t dramatic. It was death by a thousand small realisations. The role changes. The house feels different. You go from being the sun everyone orbits around to figuring out your own orbit. Some days it feels like freedom. Other days it feels like standing in a room full of furniture you no longer need and wondering what to do with it all.

I’ve made mistakes in this season, far too many to mention. I’ve tried to insert myself where I wasn’t needed. Held on too tight to old patterns. Ignored the quiet voice that was trying to tell me something new was possible. But I’ve also had moments of genuine surprise — discovering interests I’d forgotten, saying no without guilt (I’m still working on this one), and trying to grapple with who I was before all the roles and responsibilities… Had I disappeared?

Reinventing myself

Let me tell you, it wasn’t glamorous for me. It was uncomfortable and lonely and confronting, and I remember filling my time with work as much as possible — which I don’t recommend to anyone. I found new friends and began to slowly find a few threads of a new life.

I don’t know where you currently are in life, but if you are in that weird in-between space where you’re just starting to feel the shift, or you’ve been navigating it for a while — you’re not alone. Plenty of us are figuring it out as we go.

What about you? Did your version of the nest emptying happen in stages too? Or did it hit all at once? What’s one thing you’ve had to adjust to that surprised you?

I actually read every reply, so drop me a line and let me know.